How do you define yourself when you lose the people you care about? When you've spent a life shaping your self around other people, around their thoughts and wants and values and needs? How do you work out who you are when they go? When they die. When they're taken prematurely, or when it just seems that way. When you have so many friends that you have to run the risk of losing more than your fair share every year. This year there have been three, but one has made a larger impression. He was the most wonderful person, and he didn't deserve to go like that. His girlfriend of two-and-a-half years has been leaving comments on his Facebook profile. I've been looking at his profile every day; it's as if I feel that by staring at it and willing him back, he'll come home to us.
Wednesday, 29 April 2009
Posted by Heidi at 13:16
Sunday, 19 April 2009
1. Where is your cell phone? On a Persian rug
2. Your significant other? Exists
3. Your hair? Unnatural
4. Your mother? Once had braids
5. Your father? Travels frequently
6. Your favourite thing? Julie Andrews
7. Your dream last night? I'm not sure I had one. The night before I did. The night before, I had many.
8. Your favourite drink? Coffee
9. You're proud to be...? I cannot be proud of something that is not mine to be proud of.
10. What Room you are in? The one with the colourful mattress.
11. Favorite food? Hoummous
12. Your fear? Empty shoes
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? There is no point in attempting to contemplate the future.
14. Where were you last night? The same place I am in now.
15. Something that you aren't? Iranian
16. Something you want? I want for nothing.
17. Wish list item? See above
18. Where you grew up? I'm not sure I have
19. Last thing you did? Sat down
20. What are you wearing? A corset, a ripped skirt and a small top.
21. Last thing you ate? Yoghurt
22. Your pets? I have none.
23. Your job? Work is worthless.
24. Your life? Is where you live.
25. Your mood? Tired. Irritated.
26. Missing someone? Never
27. Your car? Is still in the driveway of my old house.
28. Something you're not wearing? Shoes
29. Your favorite color? Deep blue, like the bottom of a lake.
30. Favorite item of clothing? Corset
31. Favorite person? My husband. My fiance. My life.
32. Favorite Vacation? Vacations are even more worthless than work.
33. When is the last time you laughed? Today
34. Last time you cried? There are no tears in Bralingyr.
35. Who will resend this? Not applicable.
36. One place that I go to over and over? Outside
37. One person who emails me regularly? Maxx
39. One place I would like to go right now? Voodoo
40. One person I think will respond? Not applicable.
41. One TV show I watch all the time? I have no need of television.
Thursday, 16 April 2009
If you see a feather,
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
The man shouting 'Evening Standard' is sounding like he's saying 'Free Light Sternum'.
It's been so long since I did anything of any purpose in the world. I fucking hate myself, hate what I've become. A shell. A shell with no principles. I can understand why people turn to religion. When I was religious, even though I didn't believe the cuntwallop they spouted, I had a reason to act in a way befitting to a good religious girl. Quite what that reason was, I'm not sure I could say. Belief. So much of what we do depends on belief. I'm heading for the gate in the field because I don't believe I can jump the fence. But is that the only reason why I couldn't? As a kid, I tried all sorts of things, believing I could do them. And I rarely, if ever, failed. Now look at me. The confidant girl, full of belief, of faith - her own and others' - has switched these for love and trust, neither of which comes naturally to her. She has become Me, and that is someone I definitely do not like.
Saturday, 4 April 2009
Posted by Heidi at 09:08